And breathe…

So it’s week two of pretending I don’t exist.. the ‘silent treatment’. It’s been such a long 11 month cycle that I no longer remember the cycle. Have you don’t this before? Probably. But I think it was at the beginning of your relationship with her. When you decided to discard me when I was asking to save our family. I think that’s the pattern. When you know you can have me you ignore me. I then build myself back up and then you creep back in. Basically you want an emotionless, cold version of me to do with what you want and continue to live your life as normal and be be ok with it. The moment I call out your behaviour I’m met with this. Nothing.

I actually think I prefer the abuse. The silence is deafening. But I know I need it but at the same time I am left with no closure. Why won’t you just be honest and talk to me? Instead you are treating the mother of your kids like nothing.

I just want to close my eyes and fast forward three months but in that time I’ve had no contact.. I’ve been emotionless and strong and got on with my life. I want to be there now.

I know why you’re doing this as I pointed out you keep coming back and so that must mean you can’t live without me. So you’re proving me wrong. You did the same last year. I should have carried on standing my ground. I shouldn’t have let you back in.

I hope someone treats you like this one day. I hope she treats you like this. I want to hate you so much but I know that’s not me. I can’t hate you. I should hate you.

I can only hope that karma steps in. I hope it does. You deserve someone to treat you worse than you’ve ever treated me. How you’ve treated your children.

I’m dreading next week. Your first family holiday… with your new improved family. One that’s ready made. That’s not been messed up by your anger, aggressiveness, argumentativeness, temper, criticisms, miserableness. It’s great being with a ‘normal’ family you’ve not yet tainted. One that believes you’re thus great person you’re pretending to be. Her kids haven’t watched you pin their mother to the ground, call her a bitch, argue with her every word, blame her for everything, smash her car up, cheat on her repeatedly with lots of women (she’s had that but not where the kids have been effected by it being a man from the school), ruined holidays … the list is endless. Bloody hell it must be tiring for you to act so hard in front of them all the time. Imagine if you spoke to her kids like you do your own? Bet you’re on your best behaviour on holiday.. just to prove it wasn’t you.. just to rub in you had a good time as it wasn’t with me.. that you don’t ruin holidays. That actually proves what a scumbag you are.. trying for them and not us. Not your own kids.

I am starting to see you now. The mask is off. I was too blinded to ever see it there

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The past that haunts

I saw one today. I say one… as in one of the many women you cheated on me with. Me being me though still was polite and said hi. It killed me though. The pain to smile at a woman you think has lied to you and slept with your ex behind your back (when they weren’t an ex). That’s why it all still haunts me. A mum from school. You hadn’t come home that night and I was told to believe you had fallen asleep on her stairs. I knew it wasn’t true. I threw you out but after a week let you back in. You never grovelled , never declared your undying love for me, never apologised. You did what you always did and sat back and waited for me to inevitably relent and realise I couldn’t live without you. I tried so many times to stand my ground but I loved you and didn’t want to let you go. I think I knew you never loved me and that scared me. I was scared you’d realise, just like you have now.

So.. I live a life of being haunted by these people. The feeling is indescribable. I hate it. I feel sick and I grieve all over again. I feel the betrayal again and we aren’t even together. Just like my friend who’s foot you fondled and everyone says you must have done something with them. I still live with that. It still torments me and hurts me. We aren’t together and the past still gets me, hurts me. I want that heartache to go. I’m surrounded by these women and I want the feeling to end.

Why wasn’t I good enough? Why am I still not good enough?

I always thought you’d realise you loved me, that I put up with so much. That I deserved for you to treat me well. For you to hold me and tell me you’ll never let me go. But instead you want someone else. You never realised. You just ran and moved on. I wasn’t even a second thought. 14 years and I’m left with the past haunting me every day and it’s torture and you’re off in fairytale world believing you never did anything wrong.

I hope karma gets you.

Lost

Today has been a struggle. Running off to the toilets to cry. I feel like you’re hurting to but is that in my head too? I feel like I’m still living in the past. Still living with your ghost whilst you’ve moved on like I’m nothing. Like 14 years never existed. I feel nothing without you.

I want to reach out thinking it’ll be to the same person from over a year ago but he’s gone. I want to text you but I know I won’t get the response I want.

I pull up at home and hope to see your van outside. I’ve been wishing that for a year. Hoping you’ll finally prove you love me and admit you were wrong and take away all this hurt and pain. But nothing.

Instead… almost like a sick joke, I know you’ve been in the house when I’ve not been here today. You’ve come in, looked through my drawers. If I went to your mums whilst you were out and looked through your things that would be wrong.

Why can you do it to me? Why do you see that as normal? What are you thinking whilst you’re here? Do you miss us? Miss me? Miss anything? I wish I knew.

You’ve taken your post from the side and a can of coke from the fridge? You wonder why I haven’t moved on when your ghost feels real all the time. You act like this is still your life here, like you have a right to pop in and do these things? What if I had been here?

You still pretend with her. I still don’t see what you see. She’s a horrible person. I don’t see it. I don’t see why you’re obsessed and putting yourself through this pain.

It’s not my mind, I know you miss me. I just don’t know why you’re doing this.

Emptiness

So you came in to the house today to fix the toilet (something I never asked if you or permitted). I don’t know if you did it to feel better about yourself or whether you’re still trying to live your double life.

What I do know is that it kills me not talking to you. I feel such a void without you here or to talk to. I miss you. Why? Why do I miss a man who’s done all of this to me? Why? Why do I miss a person who’s beat me down so much I feel I’m barely existing.

But yet I’m sat here wondering if you feel the same void without me? Do you miss me? I wish you did. But I guess the fact you’ve not contacted me or messaged me or ever show up to say I’m sorry.. means you don’t.

I hope you do one day. I hope you miss me and I hope you feel the pain I’ve felt for so long.

Confusion

So since your ‘I’ve logged a call to the police for harassment’ (for him trying it on with me 3-4 times in one week!) I’ve had the following:

I call our child on Saturday and you pick up (rather than let it ring out) to tell me he’s in the toilet and he’ll call me back. Now.. if you felt so distressed and anxious over someone so say harassing you and you cry wolf that you want no contact.. why pick up the phone? Our child would have seen my missed call and rang me back when it was convenient or he could have told him I rang and to call back. Why pick up? Why pick up in that voice too. Not your angry, vile voice but your one where you pretend to be nice. I was so shocked at your hypocrisy and smugness that I think a strange noise came out and I hung up.

Then to find out you’ve told our child you’re coming in the house tomorrow at lunch (when I’m at work) to fix our flush? What???

So let me get this straight. The definition of harassment is :

‘course of conduct which annoys, threatens, intimidates, alarms, or puts a person in fear of their safety’

Now if you feltthreatened, intimidated or alarmed’ by a person.. would you pick up someone else’s phone and speak to them when you’ve got no reason to and would you go in to their house to fix their toilet?

This man is the biggest head fu%# ever and needs psychiatric evaluation.

Also.. a man who is so happy he’s taken up smoking?! A man who is against smoking and like to be fit has started his little addictions again which only happens when he’s battling with himself. My heart did feel that usual pang of worry for him when I found out. Hoping he’s ok (yep.. after everything he’s done).. but that moment did pass and I started to question the first time in 15 years… do I even care anymore? He doesn’t do why should I constantly ache for a man I’ll never cure.

Betrayal

So after me doing so well with no contact for so long and for denying your advances.. then somehow you still manage to wiggle your way back in. I don’t know if it’s gradual or what happens. I say no for so long until you’re so persistent o say yes or give in. But when we kissed it was too far for me. It made me want you back so much. I want my family back. In the space of one week I was like your property again. Doing what you wanted whenever you saw me.

But as soon as the ‘let’s talk about us’ messages or conversations started you start to panic. Like how dare I have feelings or be hurt for still loving the father of my children. For thinking he must feel the same as yours kissing me etc. To you it must mean nothing.

All you care about is protecting your relationship with her. You love her and not me and I seem to not accept that. I know deep down that’s not my fault as you still keep coming back to me. But how you are with her is how you used to be with me and kills me inside. It feels like you’re repeatedly stabbing me. Over and over. And you don’t care. You don’t care I feel like I can barely function. I feel like a part of me is gone. Without you I’m so lost. I miss us so much. I wish you missed us too. But I’m worthless to you. There’s nothing about me you look back and miss. I hold on to the good times and you hold on to the bad.

To me things could work out and we could be happy. But I can see you don’t love me and haven’t for a while. The way you talk to me is like I’m nothing. I crave for you to talk to me like you care again.

You don’t care about destroying me and hurting me. To not care about another human like that is horrible. I feel like I’m not living anymore. You won’t let me live.

I’m not allowed to tell your girlfriend you’re fucking with me over and over as you’ve made sure of that. Making out I’m the crazy ex harassing you despite the calls and you going through my things and turning up at my house. The injustice of it all is crushing. I wish she knew what you were doing to me. How cruel you are being. How you’ve manipulated us both so much that we hate each other instead of the one person we should be hating- you.

How can a man kiss a woman, have sex with her over and over and then accuse her of harassing HIM??? How?? I hate how you make me consumed with his wrong this all is and there’s nothing I can do. You’ve made it clear you’d destroy me if I ever told her. You’d destroy the mother of your children. That’s how twisted you are.

I miss the man I thought you were. The man I loved. I hope karma gets you as you deserve the worse yet it feels like I’m getting the worse.

I wish his girlfriend knew how much abuse her boyfriend is giving another woman. How her ‘fairytale’ involves a man constantly sleeping with another woman and then making out she’s the crazy one. As much as I hate her , I cant believe she’s never believed the abuse and cheating. I feel sorry for her that she’s living with the devil. That the man she thinks loves her is happily messing with another woman but even worse.. messing with her like she’s a little puppet. He’s living two lives and she has no clue. No clue of the man he really is. No clue that he has no loyalty or respect for her or anyone else. He’s not only abusing me but he’s abusing her and she doesn’t even know it.

I can’t believe this is the father of my children. I dread what he’s done for 14 years behind my back seeing how selfish he is.

Writing this I finally see… it’s not him I miss. It’s the person I thought he was, I miss that man who pretended to me and I thought loved me. I miss the man who acted that way when he still wanted me around. I miss him.. not the lying coward I see now.

Loving the enemy

So it’s been ten months and counting (or not) since you’ve been with ‘her’. The apparent ‘fairytale’, ‘soul mate’. The person who is so much better than the person I am who is ‘ugly inside and out’ who is ‘fat’ and ‘selfish’ and ‘a horrible person who never accepts they’re wrong’. That you hate me, despise me, wish I were dead and I repulse you.

Ten months of being told she’s a better cook, a nicer person, amazing in bed, prettier, slimmer, kind, ‘understands me’.

And yet you still keep coming back to me? You say all these nasty things and then you see me with that twinkle in your eye and I know exactly what you’re thinking. You still act like you own me. You go straight in for the ‘grope’ with no permission. No asking. It’s like we are back to being together and I am yours still. I’ve resisted a few times and then the ‘I miss your body’ starts, I look at pictures of you all the time, I miss your boobs.

And yet you still won’t leave her and still don’t want me. I am now being treated like I’m the other woman after 14 years and two kids.

You threaten me if I say I’ll tell her. You’ll go to the police and say I’m harassing you.

Last week we kissed. We haven’t kissed in almost a year. Then on Wednesday we met up to talk about the kids. At first you were angry but then the flirting started. The ‘sparkle’. You still know exactly how to work me. Moving your hands towards mine, looking at my chest, playing flirty games with me. You still make my heart flutter.

I then think of the good times. The rare moments you made me feel special. The times you didn’t treat me badly and I want you back… here and now. I want her gone and my family back. You make out you’re confused by saying ‘you don’t know what I’m thinking about everything’. You act like you care but then say I’m not your back up ‘tinder is’. You make me feel so worthless. Why is she more worthy than me? Why isn’t she getting treated like I was? Why does he idolise her and hate me?

I start thinking it was all my fault. I’ve made him hate me. I’d do anything to make him love me again. He starts acting nice again and I want him back more than anything. I ask him back. He won’t leave her .. but it’s not about her. It’s me, I am a rubbish, nasty person who never loved him. I tell him I’ll prove I do every day of my life. I’m pathetic. No wonder he doesn’t love me. He then calls me loads but then says I need to stop contacting him. He’s worried I’ll message when his girlfriends there and she’ll find out we kissed. All he cares about is her finding out who he really is as he’s done so well convincing her he’s the victim. That he was cheated on and hurt. The opposite of what happened. He’s the one who cheated, like he is now on her.

He wants to hold on to her as he can pretend he’s the doting boyfriend. He’s obsessed with her. I tell him it’s not love or he wouldn’t keep coming back to me.

My begging gets too much. He ignores me after constantly phoning me for days. He no longer wants contact. I’ve been told this millions of times in ten months. Yet it’s him who breaks no contact every time. I get blamed for everything. He can relentlessly call me and text when he likes and grope me and flirt but I have to sit there quietly and not tell anyone and not make him anxious by calling him back or messaging him in case she’s there.

He sees no problem with any of this though. He’s doing no wrong. Sleeping with me isn’t cheating on her. I’m the crazy ex who cheated on him to her. If only she knew.

But then this woman has called me fat and ugly and says she hates me and has listened to him abuse me, calling me names and been fine with that. Yet she’s a lovely person. She’s better than me. All because she calls him ‘gorgeous’ in the mornings and makes his lunch every day and massages his weak ego. She’s yet to be called a ‘bitch’ or ‘perfect little..’ or accused of things she’s never done. I used to be her, doing everything for him. Then over the years I lost myself and who I am and become this weak person I am now begging for a man who makes me feel worthless to just love me. Begging him to see the good in me as I know I’m a honest kind and caring person. Yet the only person I wish could see that and love me for that doesn’t. I want the pain to go. I want him to notice me for me. For 14 years all I wanted was for him to show he loved me and he’s now with another woman and I’m still doing the same.

When will it stop?